clomid Blog

Help!

2010-03-12T21:48:00.000+02:00

I’ve been too busy to pick up my Clomid prescription until just a bit ago. The doctor gave me the wrong dose of Clomid. Well, I think it’s wrong anyway. My last dose of Clomid was 100 mg and this time she prescribed only 50 mg. Do they usually reduce the dosage like that (this is round 2 for me)? I tried calling the office but they had just closed and no one answered. Crap.

So now what the H do I do? I could just take the 50mg but I have no idea if the smaller dose will be effective since she started me on a higher dose in the first place. Any opinions on this matter?

[Via http://pandadiaries.wordpress.com]

Labored Dreaming

2010-02-05T21:15:00.000+02:00

Wierd, wierd, wierd dreams last night. What did I eat before I went to sleep to cause these dreams? This sounds crazy, I know, but I’ll share anyway because blogging is my therapy and I can’t seem to shake it off.

Last night I actually dreamed that I was full term pregnant. I felt the whole baby turning before birth and baby dropping. I also began to feel pressure of contractions (no pain though) and then I “passed out.” When I came to (in my dream, that is) I had a baby boy. My parents and aunt were there, along with my husband’s friend’s wife who had a son about 6 mos ago. Reflecting, strangely, my husband was not there. Also, I never remember holding the child- I saw it- but never held it in my arms. As I was getting ready to check out of the hospital and the nurse asked me if I was okay and I broke down crying telling her how utterly scared I was and how I don’t know anything about babies, and crying out, wondering what I did to myself. I don’t remember anything after that point.

So, strange as that was, there are a few other things that give me goosebumps about this dream. The first is that I knew that the child was being born on my father’s birthday. I didn’t realize until after I started writing this that mid-October would put me nearly full term and right in line with this month’s cycle. The second thing is that I have NEVER had a dream where I actually had a baby. Mine or not, babies in general are not part of my dreams. I’m a very vivid dreamer, but never have I experienced this “genre” of dream.

I like to interpret my dreams when they stay on my mind. Dreaming is just a subconscious release of floating thoughts in the mind. My reasoning behind the occurance of this dream is:

I am on the emotional roller-coasters high of TTC. I’m in the 1-week-wait and am hopeful this cycle of Clomid worked (although, my hopes are not as high as usual).
My good friend from high school had a baby girl yesterday and posted “fresh” baby pictures on facebook shortly after she was born. I’m a visual person so this definitely could have stirred up my subconscious about labor/babies.
I am scared to death of babies. The only really tiny babies I have ever held were my sister-in-law’s newborn twins. I know they aren’t that fragile, but I am always scared to “break” newborns. I usually wait until babies are 4-6 months old before holding them, therefore, making sense of why I didn’t hold my child in the dream. And I really don’t know how to care for a baby, so it is a legitimate worry of mine, although I don’t think I’ve ever let my conscious mind wander that far.

I’ve heard other bloggers/v-loggers write and talk about having strange dreams while on Clomid, so maybe I can chalk some of this up to the meds. I get kind of an eerie sensation about this dream though. I have a lot of experiences where I get a feeling like I’ve experienced the situation before. Usually when I think about it, I can finally relate it to a dream I have had previously. So, in a way, this dream raises my hopes just a little for another repeating experience. The date thing is really triggering this sensation.

Oh well, just another crazy dream that I needed to get out. I am quite certain the pictures on facebook manifested this insanity.

[Via http://autonomousblogger.wordpress.com]

New Phlebotomist and New Plan

2010-02-03T05:40:00.000+02:00

Today was my 7DPO blood draw to check for progesterone levels. I got poked by a new phlebotomist today. She was a talker. I’m emotional normally and add Clo-Mood to the mix and I’m a mess. She obviously saw the large, bold word “infertility” on my blood draw order and asked me, “So are you trying?” My eyeballs swelled with tears- thankfully none rolled down and I was able to regain my composure quickly. Of course I’m trying!!! Duh! “Is this your first?” Yes, it is, but there is no “first” in there yet. Then she proceeded to tell me how she had her first out of wedlock and it was difficult being a single mother and that she would like a second, but wants to find a husband first. I know she was trying to be kind. I know it. I know it. And I know she can’t fully understand my situation. She was trying to relate that she too, desired another child. I appreciate her attempt to be friendly. It was just a strange (and embarrassingly emotional) experience with a stranger.

I also spoke with my doctor’s nurse today set up a consult with my doctor to discuss a plan next Wednesday. The triage nurse was fairly adamant that I should switch over to Femera or continue Clomid next month. She thought that taking a few months off would set back the progress I’ve made so far. I am so lost in this situation. (Emotional again, open the flood gates). I wish I had someone to say do this, this, and this and you will have success! Thank you to all my regular readers for your support. I would feel so totally lost if it wasn’t for you.

[Via http://autonomousblogger.wordpress.com]

My year in review

2009-12-30T21:51:00.000+02:00

Sometimes I wonder what the heck I did with myself before I had TTC crap to Google, RE’s appointments to drive to, Clomid to pop.

Looking back on my past year, the biggest shocker is how much my priorities changed from the first half of the year to the second. From January through July, I was all about running, riding and swimming. From August on, it’s been all about friends, family and nesting. I hope next year is all about pregnancy.

January - Began training for the Boston Marathon. Felt very hardcore as I run through the ice, the snow and on the treadmill.

Februrary Went skiing with my hubs and his family in Colorado. Woke up before skiing each morning to log treadmill miles at altitude. Hardcore.

March Ran my hilliest half-marathon ever, and in record time. Smiled for two days straight.

April Was scared sh*tless about running the Boston Marathon, didn’t feel fast or strong or confident. Ran through the fear to the fastest race of my life. Smiled for two weeks straight.

May Went to Italy with hubs to celebrate our 30th birthdays. Officially fell in love with Rome. And the Pantheon. In a word: obsessed.

June Do my first-ever 100-mile bike ride.

July Complete a Half-Ironman (1.2 mile swim, 56 mile bike, 13.2 mile run). Decide I will never do another.

August Spend a few days in Florida with some of our best friends from college.

September Celebrate my Dad’s 60th birthday with my hubs, Mom, Dad and all of my siblings. My Dad’s one request: That we all pose for family portraits in the backyard.

October Celebrate ninth anniversary with hubs on Halloween.

November Visit all of our best friends in NYC the weekend after Thanksgiving. AND, get a headboard! Finally feel like I’m sort of an adult, even without a baby.

December Home for the holidays. Play board games in front of the fire, go sledding, bake and cook like crazy.

[Via http://suchagoodegg.wordpress.com]

She Says... Stars Are Aligning

2009-11-11T13:44:00.000+02:00

Every time I write today’s date, a little voice in my head says, “It’s 11/11! Make a wish!“. I guess it’s left over from when we used to make wishes at certain times of the day when the numbers were the same. I haven’t made a wish on a number in a long time, but hey, maybe today’s the day the wish will come true!

I just got back from my appointment at Boston IVF. I gave them some blood and got an ultrasound done to check out how my little follicles are growing. GREAT NEWS! The tech saw 4 measurable follicles (they only measure above 12mm). The two in my right side were 12mm, and there were two fatties in my left ovary — 24mm and 25mm! Yippee, 100mg of Clomid did its job!

I also saw this lovely sign this morning:

So, it’s possible that my body is just about ready to release those fat, little follicles on its own. However, I really, really, really hope that the nurse calls and tells me to use my injectible Ovidrel to ensure ovulation. My ovaries don’t really have the best track record of releasing eggies the way that they should.

Now I wait for the call from the nurse to confirm all of that. Oh, right, and go to work! I’ll post later today with what she says…

Make a Praise Sandwich!

2009-11-04T21:48:00.000+02:00

I was in a management training workshop all day at work yesterday. I was psyched for this! Before you go clicking away from my bloggie because I sound like an office drone, let me tell you why. Despite holding a “manager” role for almost two years, I still have a lot to learn about managing. I work in a creative office and my fave part about my job is the leading part (making decisions, rallying coworkers, organizing projects and teams, identifying solutions to problems, leading brainstorm meetings, etc). On the other hand, I am not good at having difficult convos with my staffers. When someone is late or misses a deadline or shirks or generally does anything yucky, I basically huff and puff in my cubicle and don’t address the issue. Instead of dealing, I hope the problem goes away. It is very, very wimpy…I hate confrontation!! Yesterday’s workshop was cool because we practiced how to have those uncomfie conversations with role playing and other interactive exercises. The instructor said that before going into a difficult meeting/conversation, I should….

1) Prepare Think about what I want to say and find specifics to address my point. For example, if an employee is consistently missing deadliness, I should make a list of the late assignments. That way, I don’t go into a meeting saying, “You’re always late with your articles!” and instead say, “I’ve noticed that you’ve missed your deadline by more than a day for the last three weeks.”

2) Address emotions Does the issue at hand make me angry? On the verge of tears? Figure out what I’m feeling and get a handle on it…summon my composure.

3) Make a praise sandwich I loooove this idea! The instructor quoted some research that showed people react better to feedback that bolsters their self esteem. So, even if you have some not-so-fun constructive criticism to deliver, fold it in between two positives. That way, you start and end on a good note. It’s supposed to make the person more receptive, less defensive and also makes them feel more confident and skilled….good stuff as they go back to work.

So, in honor of my quest to become a better manager, here’s my own praise sandwich for the day:

Positive: I woke up in a really good mood that stuck around even after the CD19 negative OPK. While waiting for the bus, I sent the hubs a funny text about the lack of a line. Ohhh, TTC humor, you are so funny!

Constructive criticism: During a moment of weakness and, er, procrastination, I googled TTC stuff for about 10 minutes right after lunch. My constant need to sleuth out info on hormone levels, cramping, ovulating, Clomid doses, OPK accuracy, etc etc etc has reached unhealthily epic proportions. I am driving myself crazy, freaking myself out and generally acting really ridiculous. It is not cool to Google “no CM negative OPK 50mg Clomid” on a work computer. I need to squash this obsession before my boss (or anyone else!) happens to walk up behind me.

Positive: I’m headed back to the RE on Friday and that fills me with hope! I know the news may not be what I’d hoped for going into this cycle (no ovulation), but on the upside, I can move forward from there. I always feel better doing something, even if it is getting blood taken!

Another Road

2009-10-14T20:34:00.000+02:00

As far as what’s going on with Clomid, a simple answer would be: nothin.

The Hubbs is sick. They don’t know with what as of yet…so they are testing him for a couple different things. Sick men have the uncanny ability to revert to a toddler stage and everything must be done for them. I think I am ovulating today and unless he’s feelin better today and tomorrow then there really would be no shot this cycle. What a way for our last clomid cycle to end: instead of with a bang its like going out to the chirping of crickets.

I am going to call my GYN at the end of the week (if we totally miss this window) and see if maybe we can push up my lap.

I think if we can do that then I can squeeze in three or so more cycles before we have to leave here.

Speaking of which, as of now the Hubbs report date is 10 April 2010. That means we will probably leave here about a month before he has to begin in-processing. Naturally I have been looking into home rentals (apartment with three dogs may be a bit much). Things are not looking good as far as finding someone who will allow our dogs. The homes that I have come across either don’t accept pets of any kind, dogs under 25lbs, dogs under 20 (which would only be Chubby), or 250 dollar non-refundable deposit per pet (which ends up being $750). So now we are considering taking the big step and buying a house (using a VA home loan cause there is no way we can save for a down-payment in 5.5 months).

It is such a daunting task and I feel more that just a bit overwhelmed. I walked to the library today to check out some books (Think “Home Buying for Dummies). Time to read up so that I can make sense of what is out there. I want to get us the best deal possible since it is a buyers market.

Going down another road…

She Says... Square One

2009-10-12T12:02:00.000+02:00

Not exactly. But that’s what it feels like. Here I am again NOT having a period, and not sure why. According to the nurse at Dr. P’s office, if I ovulated, I should have a period. “It’s as simple as that”, she said. Well, nothing’s ever that simple, at least not when it comes to me and babymaking. Sigh.

My period is nowhere in sight, and my body doesn’t feel like it’s coming any time soon. Although, I’ll be honest, I’ve pretty much forgotten what that feels like. But that’s beside the point. I called the nurse on Friday to let her know that it hadn’t come yet, and she set me up for some more bloodwork tomorrow morning. She’s going to run another blood pregnancy test and check my progesterone and estradiol levels. These levels were tested previously in my first round of bloodwork, but I believe they should be able to tell us something different now that I am [supposedly] post-ovulation.

Although it’s kind of a pain (literally and figuratively) to go in for more bloodwork, I’m glad that was the next step that the nurse suggested. I’d like some answers, thankyouverymuch.

My own theory (based in part on everybody’s favorite doctor, Dr. Google) is that my progesterone didn’t increase as it should have at/after ovulation. That would explain the light, early period (if that’s even what the bleeding was, which is not yet confirmed), and my lack of temperature spike after ovulation. The good news is that if this is the case, it is an easy thing to fix with medicine, and it’s a fairly common problem with women who do not ovulate.

We’ll see what the real doctor says tomorrow…

In the meantime, has anyone out there taken progesterone or had a progesterone level issue? How did it present itself? How did you treat it?

IUI#3 Results Confirmed

2009-10-09T19:05:00.000+02:00

My beta was this morning. No surprise, the nurse just called to confirm this cycle’s BFN. I’m super glad that’s over with because it means the new beginning is almost here. A fresh start!

My regimen for next cycle is 150mg of Clomid. Guess I’ll have to wait to ask about injectables until my CD2 bloodwork and ultrasound on Monday. Maybe I won’t need them.

Hello? Aunt Flow? It’s me, venting vagina. Can you please hurry?!

Double Conception

2009-09-26T20:43:00.000+02:00

Several posted about this story this week, but I couldn’t help but repeat it. This woman conceived twice 2+ weeks apart, a medical anomaly called superfetation. So crazy! I hope those little babies grow and grow and that the time difference doesn’t negatively affect the younger one.

I must admit, this scenario has crossed my mind. I’m taking Clomid which helps my ovaries produce more follicles, which in turn spurt out eggs. The follicles never mature all at the same time, so it seemed totally plausible to me that this could actually happen to me or to anyone. However, there are only 10 known cases of superfetation so I can put that tiny worry to rest. Whew!

Okay, it’s my turn now, right? There are ladies having giant babies and ladies conceiving two babies at different times and ladies who think their unborn child might be able to get pregnant. It’s only fair. My turn!

Failure to Launch

2009-09-25T03:17:00.000+02:00

I stopped for a moment to re-evaluate my bleak tone in these entries. While ranting is cathartic and hope it sometimes false, I don’t want to proceed without reconsidering my purpose. I write this out of love, because I want a child and because I know my husband would love, love, love one.

That said, it’s still rage-worthy stuff happening to all of us infertility patients. I would like to be upbeat and graceful about all this, but it’s a lousy hand we’ve been dealt. As a wise friend of mine pointed out, I have every right to be angry, and that anger should be expressed. But I didn’t want to express it without clarifying the love behind the intent and possibly even providing some helpful info rather than pure rant.

Enough disclaimers.

This month I had a Day 3 ultrasound to check for follicles. For the uninitiated, this type of test involves using a long, narrow probe which is inserted internally. It doesn’t hurt but it does go in easier if the thighs relax and aren’t clamped shut like I tend to do. If the Dr orders a Day 3 or Day 10 ultrasound, don’t be surprised if the panties to come off because they don’t do these ultrasounds through the belly. This was a significant test for me because after six cycles on clomid, it was time for me to come off the drug. I was hopeful I would be able to ovulate without the assistance of drugs.

End result of the Day 3 ultrasound: Follicles. Tons of them. Beautiful ones.

Day 10 I went for another ultrasound. I saw the dominant follicle on the ultrasound screen, growing in my left ovary. I met my egg, a huge, black circular miracle I made all by myself without any clomid, estrogen or other drugs. My egg, my proof of my fertility and normalcy was right there on screen. I cried. There it was, waiting to be freed as soon as LH, the Lutenizing Hormone, gave the signal.

That apparently didn’t happen.

According to the Dr’s advice and package instructions, the test line on the stick should be as dark as the control line or darker. On day 14 my test line was almost as dark as the control line. I was thrilled. Come Monday the test would be positive, and I would call the office to proudly tell the Dr I had ovulated without drugs.

I tested on Monday and waited for my positive. Instead, the control like was much, much lighter than the test line. I used my last predictor kit stick and sure enough, the line was faint. No LH surge. A tearful call to my Dr confirmed it. I didn’t ovulate.

Silly as it sounds, I mourned that lost egg, that beautiful, miraculous thing I created but couldn’t give the chance to live. It’s a hard thing for someone who hasn’t gone through this to understand. How many women menstruate month after month without a thought for the lost egg? I know I did it countless times, but now it’s a major loss.

People say children change everything. I would tend to agree. In my case, they haven’t arrived and may never do so, yet already they’ve changed everything.

High fasting glucose levels may be to blame. A visit to the endocrinologist could do a lot for me. That’s a regular endo, not a reproductive endocrinology (fertility) specialist. I’m already on 2,000 mg of metformin daily, so that’s apparently not the correct drug. The endo doc could address this with another drug, if I could get an appointment.

I could post a long rant on how ill the appointment-booking process has been. It really shouldn’t be that hard to persuade a medical practice to take money from my insurance company and me. After calling and leaving voicemails for four days, I finally made it through the appointment lines to a real human who booked my visits. The endocrinologist will not see me for another seven weeks. Seven weeks equals two more cycles of waiting. Just two months? An eternity, it seems. Never has time gone so slowly.

And then, what? It’s easy to think this Dr, this visit will make all the difference. That’s the temptation, to latch onto the next fix as “the one” that will prove the magic bullet. It’s hard not to.

Nutritionists, however, are thrilled to meet with me as soon as possible. Of course they don’t waste a minute eliminating the occasional indulgence of pancakes and Stouffer’s french bread pizzas that keep me sane on my bleakest days. I’ve already lost over 50 pounds. I eat mostly protein bars, yogurt and soy. When I do cheat, it’s because I become exhausted from agonizing over every last thing I put in my mouth. And, I do it to keep life bearable. We’re in a hell of financial ruin and all this medical mess doesn’t help. Sometimes, a meal is the best part of my day. It sucks, plain and simple, to not be able to eat or spend any money to try to brighten a horrible day.

I try to tell myself that the Dr recommended it, that I can stand to lose a few more pounds and drop from a 12/14 to a 8/10. That would be pretty cool. I just don’t know that I can, especially with the husband eating hostess cupcakes in front of me without any repercussions to his health. In the past 5 years I’ve gone of antidepressants, given up smoking, caffeine, aspartame and high fructose corn syrup. I eat low carb, high fiber and cook in trace amounts of olive oil. Yet I have sky-high cholesterol and fertility-impairing glucose and insulin numbers. Where are the results?

When I first heard I didn’t ovulate I cried, but I was furious, too. I thought of the protein bars and the yogurts I ate instead of real food, and I still didn’t ovulate. If I’d eaten Krispy Kreme doughnuts or pancakes with tons of maple syrup for breakfast I probably woudn’t have ovulated either, but I’d have been happier, at least. I think doctors need to balance happiness with all the other factors.

On that note, I’ll raise my virtual glass. To happiness.

She Says... BINGO

2009-09-16T11:16:00.000+02:00

Predicting ovulation is kind of like playing bingo. Every morning you test, anxiously awaiting to see what “number” pops out. And one day, all the numbers line up just so, and you are called to action (in one case yelling “BINGO!”, and in the other, hopping in the sack). Just because you jump up from your chair and scream “BINGO!”, however, it doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll be the winner. After all, someone else could have Bingo too, and then you have to split the prize (man, I’m glad that doesn’t happen with babies!), or you may have thought you heard them call B7, when really they called B11. Do ya catch my drift?

Ok, the analogy is a bit of a stretch. But what I’m trying to say is that I’m doing my best to keep my cool this week, and realize that even if I don’t ovulate this first cycle on Clomid, it’s not the end of the world. And, similarly, if I do ovulate, but my eggo doesn’t get preggo, it’s all going to be ok. Right? Right.

That said, I started using the ovulation predictor kit (OPK) this morning. Exciting! It’s a lot like taking a home pregnancy test. And, since I thought I was pregnant multiple times in the first few months off of birth control (way back when I thought that the only reason one would not have a period was because she was pregnant), I’m pretty good at taking home pregnancy tests. Damn right. So this is old hat to me.

That’s right, CVS brand. Nothing but the best. The nurse at Dr. P’s office recommended ClearBlue Easy, but this one was $3 cheaper and it said, “Compare to ClearBlue Easy” on the front. Good enough for me! First you read the ridiculously long directions. In three languages. And check out the funny cartoon of a woman peeing on a stick.

My doctor’s directions differed somewhat from the directions on the box. The box says to perform the test around the same time every day, at some point between 10:00am and 8:00pm. You’re supposed to reduce your liquid intake and not pee for 4 hours before taking the test. 4 hours?! Anyone who knows me well will attest to the fact that I have the tiniest bladder in the world. There is NO WAY I could go 4 hours without peeing. Thankfully, my doctor said to test at my second pee of the day. That’s generally right before I run out the door to work at 7:00am. You’re supposed to hold the little stick under your urine stream for 5 seconds, or pee in a cup and dip the stick for 10 seconds, then let it sit on the counter for ten minutes. That throws off my morning schedule a little bit, but it’s a small price to pay

I dipped the stick; it seemed like the more foolproof way to make sure the dipstick got enough urine to sample. Today’s result: Negative. The band in the square window is supposed to match the band in the round window. If it does, it’s a positive, and I am (in theory) about to ovulate in the next 12-24 hours. Today the band was very pale, so no call to action yet. We’ll try again tomorrow!

An Inconsolable Longing

2009-09-15T04:00:00.000+02:00

I have my good days and my bad days, although the good far outweigh the bad. I don’t expect dealing with infertility will ever be easy. I am on the cusp of my 23rd birthday, and in my 8th month of trying aggressively (with medical assistance) to conceive with my husband, J. I was diagnosed with infertility 3 years ago by a doctor who told me casually, as if he was telling me I had a common cold. My chances are ‘unlikely’.

I am Christian, I am barren, and I am struggling.

When we first enlisted medical help, I was so hopeful. I just knew the medicine they put me on would help us, and I’d soon be cradling a full, pregnant belly in both arms. When testing day came near, I went mad with symptoms — everything I’d ever heard about pregnancy was happening to me! I was so excited — fertively whispering to my husband as we lay entertwined that I thought I was pregnant. We talked to our ‘maybe bean’, and my thoughts were filled with plans and daydreams… Of course I wasn’t pregnant, there was no ‘maybe bean’, no plans to make, and I was too crushed and broken to daydream any longer. My hope that we can beat the infertility, although not extinguished, wavered and waned to a tiny flicker. All of this, and my best friend nervously told me that she was pregnant with the second child she’s conceived throughout my 3 year battle with my reproductive system. I was.. I AM.. happy for her… But there is an ache in my heart, and my arms hurt to hold a child of my own. I want desperately to be a mother, and my grief is compounded by the deep longing in my husband’s heart to be a father. Our path has been wrought with suffering, through painful procedures to the ups and downs of hormone therapy, to emotional, physical, and mental exhaustion. The cup God has given us to drink from is bitter, and difficult to swallow.

I have stopped looking at family pictures on coworker’s desks, and refrain from asking ‘Do you have children?’ for fear of the question being turned on me. When it inevitably is, I stammer… “Uh, um.. no.. not yet, that is.. we’re trying.. “ I wish I could learn to just say a close-ended, firm ‘no’ that would curtail the painful reminder of how long my heart has cried out for healing.

“How long have you been trying?”

This question opens a dialogue that is supposed to be personal, that I have learned quickly spirals into sage advice from mothers who’ve never dealt with infertility. I struggle with my bitterness when I think of these, I know in my heart they are not said in malice, and that they’re just trying to comfort me, but their words cut so deep it is difficult to maintain composure.

“Have you considered adoption?” Yes, we have. It is both more expensive than we can afford on our meager salaries and heart wrenching, and it is NEVER guaranteed. Adoption is not the end all be all for infertile couples. It is only recently that I’ve stopped feeling guilty for not keeping adoption as my ‘go to’ in case my parts don’t work. It is such a momentous decision, and I don’t feel led by God to pursue that at this time. It is getting downright difficult to conceal my indignation when I hear disapproving clucks of the tongue, or shakes of the head for not wanting to rush out and immediately adopt.
“Well, everything in God’s time.” Although I appreciate the sentiment, it is so very easy to hand out instructions to ‘wait on the Lord’ when you’ve got a tribe of happy kidlets running around at home. Please, please don’t tell me that it will happen in God’s timing. As a Christian woman, I am aware of this, and I feel rebuked for being hopeful when you remind me over and over again.
“Maybe it’s just not His will for you.” This one really pushes my buttons. I am instantly hurt and angry when someone pulls this card on me, both that they have the audacity to presume what God’s will may or may not be for me, and that they are just gutsy enough to tell me to my face that God doesn’t have a purpose for my overpowering desire to be a mother.
And my personal favorite, courtesy of my mother, who was pregnant 8 times and carried to term 6 times, “God must be punishing you. Our family doesn’t have those problems so it must’ve been something you did.” Good ole’ Catholic guilt. all I have to say about this is, my God is not a cruel God, and He knows the plans He has for me, plans of good and not evil, to give me a hope and a future.

I may not know/understand/enjoy where God’s plan is taking me, but I trust Him, even in my weakness (and I am so very weak right now). I’m not saying it’s easy. I’ve been struggling lately specifically with questioning Him with doubt in my heart. Pessimism has set up camp in my heart, and it’s reluctant to leave. I send it on its way, but as soon as I have an idle moment, it has slipped back in, and is bustling around the inner rooms of my soul, unpacking and settling in.

I’m starting this blog to chronicle my journey, and to reach out for help.

I know I’m not alone.

Father, thank you for your grace and your mercies. Thank you that they’re new every morning, and that when I am tired of carrying my sorrow, I can give it to You and find rest. Please help me to stop picking it back up again — Teach me to let go. I am terrified that if I give this to You, without my careful obsessing and worrying, it will fall by the wayside. I know this couldn’t be farther from the truth, please help me to find peace and the strength you promised me in Your word. Thank you for the people you sent to comfort me, Lord, you know the darkness J and I have been struggling to find our way out of. Thank you for giving me a Christian work environment where I have the opportunity to make meaningful connections with other believers. They are becoming part of my extended family, and I know you knew I would need them right now. Help me to let go of my shame over my infertility, and thank you for giving me the nudge I needed to post my prayer request. I pray that you bless those that are going through what J and I are right now, with healing or the grace and strength to accept your decision. I have prayed that prayer for myself so many times over the last year that I can scarcely bear to continue voicing it. I know you hear me. Thank you for your love, and your compassionate heart. I love you.

Manda

By The Light Of Jupiter

2009-09-13T20:19:00.000+02:00

1. The Golden Bell

2. Birthday Boy

3. Teddy Bears

4. Night Skies

Son 2 is 2. Amazing. Funny, determined, physical, loving, bright, gorgeous. And incredible that if I hadn’t taken tablets we wouldn’t have him. Conceived the month after we lost Son 1.5. I took the advice of a doctor who said: “Well, you could take some time to recover from the miscarriage but you’re 42 and every month counts.” I can still remember a dark December evening, Clomid packet in hand, thinking about C S Lewis: “Make your choice, adventurous stranger; Strike the bell and bide the danger, Or wonder, till it drives you mad, What would have followed if you had.” We struck the bell… and What Followed got a handprint kit, Playmobil fish, fish books, a crocodile, a crab, and of course half a fish tank.

Son 1 aged 4y 11m was beside himself for the present opening. Son 2 loved having Happy Birthday sung to him. I took Son 1 off to school, in the end having to bribe him with parma violets from next Saturday’s party bags. Back home, Wonder Nanny and I pushed Son 2 in the Big Pram over to the Beach By The Garden. Son 2 fell asleep on the way over, and woke within two minutes of us arriving. I’d pictured a day like Wednesday, but the wind was ferocious, so I hired a windbreak. The sea was mighty, great big surfy breakers crashing up against the high tideline. Son 2 dug and went to the sea for water – taking me with him each time. We had lunch from the Beach Shack, and then I went Swimming In The Sea. I have decided this is now a tradition. Every year I will go Swimming In The Sea on Son 2’s birthday. I couldn’t swim – the surf was too strong. I just swam into each waves, swam/sprang up over the top of each six footer, and had to turn my back into them so they’d break around me and not wipe me out. I still got wiped out, and rolled around in the shallows. When I took my costume off it was full of small stones. We had ice creams and walked back.

Wonder Nanny and Son 2 went upstairs to watch telly, and then played outside. I got the food ready for the Birthday Tea. Not a party of course, that will happen next Saturday. Cold chicken, cooked yesterday, ham and peanut butter sandwiches, hummous with cucumber, pepper, carrot and breadsticks, hula hoops and cocktail sausages. Nanna arrived. Then Son 1, his face worried through the glass of the front door “Have I missed the party?” Before he’d got to Son 2, one set of Wednesday brothers had arrived, then the other. Then the sole girl, with her big sister who was on her way to Beavers. They all brought Teddies for a Teddy Bear picnic. The boys sat with their teddies for five seconds, stuffed their faces and then ran off to get all the toys out. I sent out a plate of jelly tot and smartie mini fairy cakes. Son 1 and Best friend took handfuls and sat behind The Man’s chair in the lounge stuffing their faces. Son 2’s Godmother arrived with Godbrother and Godsister. “Thank heaven you’re here Godbrother,” I said. “We need a light for the candles.” “I’ve stopped smoking now,” he said. Godbrother will be 14 at the end of this month. We had a Monkey birthday cake and a singing candle with five others. It was impossible keeping five bigger boys from blowing them out, but we kept re-lighting them and Son 2 seemed happy with his efforts. The cake vanished. The Man let off Poundland table top fireworks in the flower bed.

After we all went to the Yacht Club with Nanna and the Parents Of The Girls. Son 1 and Son 2 played with their golf set. Son 1 cried when he hit his ball into the river. A scarily competent ten year old got in a dinghy and went and brought it back. We sat on benches outside, watching the boats, drinking and talking and talking and drinking. Jupiter shone large in the darkening sky. “Look at that lovely star Mummy,” said Son 1. “It’s not a star, it’s a planet.” “How do you know?” “The stars are small and far up in the sky. The planets are big and nearer the horizon.” We came back at nine. It was a Good Day.

Clomid update, questions

2009-09-10T20:10:00.000+02:00

We are back from Spain! It was wonderful, and I will post about it soon. But for now I will write this slightly less exciting clomid update, as it seems more time-sensitive.

This was my first clomid cycle. I took 50mg for five days, starting on day 3 (the penultimate dose was taken on the plane and the last dose on our first night in Spain). I noticed no side effects while I took it, praise be! I also applied half of my 1 mg dose of estradiol from a couple days into the clomid until around when I ovulated. (I was supposed to start it with the clomid, but I was still feeling bitter about the estrogen since I blame it for my lack of ovulation last month. My husband talked me into it.) I did have the standard clomid dry spell, but with mucus enhancers I was able to get at least a small amount of fluid.

So, all of that is fine. But I’m not exactly certain when I ovulated (again). So now I am in a P+7 bloodtest quandry (again).

With travelling and time zone shifts, I don’t have any kind of reliable temperature record. I am above 98 degrees now, which is usually post-ovulatory for me.

I usually ovulate late, circa day 18. Clomid people are supposed to ovulate 5 to 10 days after the last clomid does. I figured I would be on the latter end, so I was quite suprised when I took an ovulation predictor test 5 days after clomid and saw two lines (one either as dark as the other or very close). I also had pretty strong pains on the right side in my lower abdomen that day. I’ve never felt ovulation pain before, was that it? It was kind of like bad menstrual cramps, but one-sided. It was a dull pain in the morning, then got worse through the afternoon. (However, I was nicely distracted by walking around Seville! So I didn’t think about the pain too much.) By the nightime, it was mostly gone. That was also my peak day of cervical fluid for the cycle — though the fluid was not really anything to write home about.

Sooo … that makes it seem like Saturday was the ovulation day. But the next day I took another OPK test just for kicks (I bought one of those packs of 20 that only last for 30 days). There were still two lines, but with one lighter than the other. Could an LH surge still be floating around after ovulation? I didn’t feel any pain that day, and didn’t have any fluid. I had second lines of varying degrees of darkness on the OPK tests for a couple of days. None now.

At some point my temperature rose, but the whole temperature thing is a little murky because of the six hour time change. I’m wondering if I ovulated later? or on Saturday? Or maybe more than once? Does that happen on different days? (I told my husband we should keep trying in case maybe I was still ovulating and he replied, “Maybe we should just fertilize one egg.” Which kind of cracked me up, what with our lack of any history of fertilizing eggs.)

I need to get a P+7 blood test. If last Saturday, the abdominal pain day, was peak, that conveniently puts the blood draw for this Saturday. Does it make a difference if it is P+9(ish) instead, when places are open on Monday? Or should I go tomorrow, for P+6(or less)?

In another interesting development, it also so happened that I noticed a very, very tiny amount of blood when urinating on Saturday and Sunday morning. Also pain in urination. I was pretty convinced it was a urinary tract infection, but it went away quickly on Monday without any cranberry juice (they’re not into cranberries in Spain) or any other treatment. So could that be a weird clomid ovulation thing?

Wow, this is a lot of information about my body. I feel a little embarrassed.

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