Labored Dreaming

Wierd, wierd, wierd dreams last night.  What did I eat before I went to sleep to cause these dreams?  This sounds crazy, I know, but I’ll share anyway because blogging is my therapy and I can’t seem to shake it off.

Last night I actually dreamed that I was full term pregnant.  I felt the whole baby turning  before birth and baby dropping. I also began to feel pressure of contractions (no pain though) and then I “passed out.”  When I came to (in my dream, that is) I had a baby boy.  My parents and aunt were there, along with my husband’s friend’s wife who had a son about 6 mos ago.  Reflecting, strangely, my husband was not there.  Also, I never remember holding the child- I saw it- but never held it in my arms.  As I was getting ready to check out of the hospital and the nurse asked me if I was okay and I broke down crying  telling her how utterly scared I was and how I don’t know anything about babies, and crying out, wondering what I did to myself.  I don’t remember anything after that point.

So, strange as that was, there are a few other things that give me goosebumps about this dream.  The first is that I knew that the child was being born on my father’s birthday.  I didn’t realize until after I started writing this that mid-October would  put me nearly full term and right in line with this month’s cycle.  The second thing is that I have NEVER had a dream where I actually had a baby.  Mine or not, babies in general are not  part of my dreams.  I’m a very vivid dreamer, but never have I experienced this “genre” of dream.

I like to interpret my dreams when they stay on my mind.  Dreaming is just a subconscious release of floating thoughts in the mind.  My reasoning behind the occurance of this dream is:

• I am on the emotional roller-coasters high of TTC.  I’m in the 1-week-wait and am hopeful this cycle of Clomid worked (although, my hopes are not as high as usual).
• My good friend from high school had a baby girl yesterday and posted “fresh” baby pictures on facebook shortly after she was born.  I’m a visual person so this definitely could have stirred up my subconscious about labor/babies.
• I am scared to death of babies.  The only really tiny babies I have ever held were my sister-in-law’s newborn twins.  I know they aren’t that fragile, but I am always scared to “break” newborns.  I usually wait until babies are 4-6 months old before holding them, therefore, making sense of why I didn’t hold my child in the dream.  And I really don’t know how to care for a baby, so it is a legitimate worry of mine, although I don’t think I’ve ever let my conscious mind wander that far.

I’ve heard other bloggers/v-loggers write and talk about having strange dreams while on Clomid, so maybe I can chalk some of this up to the meds.  I get kind of an eerie sensation about this dream though.  I have a lot of experiences where I get a feeling like I’ve experienced the situation before.  Usually when I think about it, I can finally relate it to a dream I have had previously.  So, in a way, this dream raises my hopes just a little for another repeating experience.  The date thing is really triggering this sensation.

Oh well, just another crazy dream that I needed to get out.  I am quite certain the pictures on facebook manifested this insanity.

[Via http://autonomousblogger.wordpress.com]

New Phlebotomist and New Plan

Today was my 7DPO blood draw to check for progesterone levels. I got poked by a new phlebotomist today. She was a talker. I’m emotional normally and add Clo-Mood to the mix and I’m a mess. She obviously saw the large, bold word “infertility” on my blood draw order and asked me, “So are you trying?” My eyeballs swelled with tears- thankfully none rolled down and I was able to regain my composure quickly. Of course I’m trying!!! Duh! “Is this your first?” Yes, it is, but there is no “first” in there yet. Then she proceeded to tell me how she had her first out of wedlock and it was difficult being a single mother and that she would like a second, but wants to find a husband first. I know she was trying to be kind. I know it. I know it. And I know she can’t fully understand my situation. She was trying to relate that she too, desired another child. I appreciate her attempt to be friendly. It was just a strange (and embarrassingly emotional) experience with a stranger.

I also spoke with my doctor’s nurse today set up a consult with my doctor to discuss a plan next Wednesday. The triage nurse was fairly adamant that I should switch over to Femera or continue Clomid next month. She thought that taking a few months off would set back the progress I’ve made so far. I am so lost in this situation. (Emotional again, open the flood gates). I wish I had someone to say do this, this, and this and you will have success! Thank you to all my regular readers for your support. I would feel so totally lost if it wasn’t for you.

[Via http://autonomousblogger.wordpress.com]

My year in review

Sometimes I wonder what the heck I did with myself before I had TTC crap to Google, RE’s appointments to drive to, Clomid to pop.

Looking back on my past year, the biggest shocker is how much my priorities changed from the first half of the year to the second. From January through July, I was all about running, riding and swimming. From August on, it’s been all about friends, family and nesting. I hope next year is all about pregnancy.

January - Began training for the Boston Marathon. Felt very hardcore as I run through the ice, the snow and on the treadmill.

Februrary Went skiing with my hubs and his family in Colorado. Woke up before skiing each morning to log treadmill miles at altitude. Hardcore.

March Ran my hilliest half-marathon ever, and in record time. Smiled for two days straight.

April Was scared sh*tless about running the Boston Marathon, didn’t feel fast or strong or confident. Ran through the fear to the fastest race of my life. Smiled for two weeks straight.

May Went to Italy with hubs to celebrate our 30th birthdays. Officially fell in love with Rome. And the Pantheon. In a word: obsessed.

June Do my first-ever 100-mile bike ride.

July Complete a Half-Ironman (1.2 mile swim, 56 mile bike, 13.2 mile run). Decide I will never do another.

August Spend a few days in Florida with some of our best friends from college.

September Celebrate my Dad’s 60th birthday with my hubs, Mom, Dad and all of my siblings. My Dad’s one request: That we all pose for family portraits in the backyard.

October Celebrate ninth anniversary with hubs on Halloween.

November Visit all of our best friends in NYC the weekend after Thanksgiving. AND, get a headboard! Finally feel like I’m sort of an adult, even without a baby.

December Home for the holidays. Play board games in front of the fire, go sledding, bake and cook like crazy.

[Via http://suchagoodegg.wordpress.com]

She Says... Stars Are Aligning

Every time I write today’s date, a little voice in my head says, “It’s 11/11! Make a wish!“. I guess it’s left over from when we used to make wishes at certain times of the day when the numbers were the same. I haven’t made a wish on a number in a long time, but hey, maybe today’s the day the wish will come true!

I just got back from my appointment at Boston IVF. I gave them some blood and got an ultrasound done to check out how my little follicles are growing. GREAT NEWS! The tech saw 4 measurable follicles (they only measure above 12mm). The two in my right side were 12mm, and there were two fatties in my left ovary — 24mm and 25mm! Yippee, 100mg of Clomid did its job!

I also saw this lovely sign this morning:

So, it’s possible that my body is just about ready to release those fat, little follicles on its own. However, I really, really, really hope that the nurse calls and tells me to use my injectible Ovidrel to ensure ovulation. My ovaries don’t really have the best track record of releasing eggies the way that they should.

Now I wait for the call from the nurse to confirm all of that. Oh, right, and go to work! I’ll post later today with what she says…

Make a Praise Sandwich!

I was in a management training workshop all day at work yesterday. I was psyched for this! Before you go clicking away from my bloggie because I sound like an office drone, let me tell you why. Despite holding a “manager” role for almost two years, I still have a lot to learn about managing. I work in a creative office and my fave part about my job is the leading part (making decisions, rallying coworkers, organizing projects and teams, identifying solutions to problems, leading brainstorm meetings, etc). On the other hand, I am not good at having difficult convos with my staffers. When someone is late or misses a deadline or shirks or generally does anything yucky, I basically huff and puff in my cubicle and don’t address the issue. Instead of dealing, I hope the problem goes away. It is very, very wimpy…I hate confrontation!! Yesterday’s workshop was cool because we practiced how to have those uncomfie conversations with role playing and other interactive exercises. The instructor said that before going into a difficult meeting/conversation, I should….

1) Prepare Think about what I want to say and find specifics to address my point. For example, if an employee is consistently missing deadliness, I should make a list of the late assignments. That way, I don’t go into a meeting saying, “You’re always late with your articles!” and instead say, “I’ve noticed that you’ve missed your deadline by more than a day for the last three weeks.”

2) Address emotions Does the issue at hand make me angry? On the verge of tears? Figure out what I’m feeling and get a handle on it…summon my composure.

3) Make a praise sandwich I loooove this idea! The instructor quoted some research that showed people react better to feedback that bolsters their self esteem. So, even if you have some not-so-fun constructive criticism to deliver, fold it in between two positives. That way, you start and end on a good note. It’s supposed to make the person more receptive, less defensive and also makes them feel more confident and skilled….good stuff as they go back to work.

So, in honor of my quest to become a better manager, here’s my own praise sandwich for the day:

Positive: I woke up in a really good mood that stuck around even after the CD19 negative OPK. While waiting for the bus, I sent the hubs a funny text about the lack of a line. Ohhh, TTC humor, you are so funny!

Constructive criticism: During a moment of weakness and, er, procrastination, I googled TTC stuff for about 10 minutes right after lunch. My constant need to sleuth out info on hormone levels, cramping, ovulating, Clomid doses, OPK accuracy, etc etc etc has reached unhealthily epic proportions. I am driving myself crazy, freaking myself out and generally acting really ridiculous. It is not cool to Google “no CM negative OPK 50mg Clomid” on a work computer. I need to squash this obsession before my boss (or anyone else!) happens to walk up behind me.

Positive: I’m headed back to the RE on Friday and that fills me with hope! I know the news may not be what I’d hoped for going into this cycle (no ovulation), but on the upside, I can move forward from there. I always feel better doing something, even if it is getting blood taken!

Another Road

As far as what’s going on with Clomid, a simple answer would be: nothin.

The Hubbs is sick.  They don’t know with what as of yet…so they are testing him for a couple different things. Sick men have the uncanny ability to revert to a toddler stage and everything must be done for them. I think I am ovulating today and unless he’s feelin better today and tomorrow then there really would be no shot this cycle. What a way for our last clomid cycle to end: instead of with a bang its like going out to the chirping of crickets.

I am going to call my GYN at the end of the week (if we totally miss this window) and see if maybe we can push up my lap.

I think if we can do that then I can squeeze in three or so more cycles before we have to leave here.
Speaking of which, as of now the Hubbs report date is 10 April 2010.  That means we will probably leave here about a month before he has to begin in-processing.  Naturally I have been looking into home rentals (apartment with three dogs may be a bit much).  Things are not looking good as far as finding someone who will allow our dogs.  The homes that I have come across either don’t accept pets of any kind, dogs under 25lbs, dogs under 20 (which would only be Chubby), or 250 dollar non-refundable deposit per pet (which ends up being $750).  So now we are considering taking the big step and buying a house (using a VA home loan cause there is no way we can save for a down-payment in 5.5 months).

It is such a daunting task and I feel more that just a bit overwhelmed.  I walked to the library today to check out some books (Think “Home Buying for Dummies).  Time to read up so that I can make sense of what is out there. I want to get us the best deal possible since it is a buyers market.

Going down another road…

She Says... Square One

Not exactly. But that’s what it feels like. Here I am again NOT having a period, and not sure why. According to the nurse at Dr. P’s office, if I ovulated, I should have a period. “It’s as simple as that”, she said. Well, nothing’s ever that simple, at least not when it comes to me and babymaking. Sigh.

My period is nowhere in sight, and my body doesn’t feel like it’s coming any time soon. Although, I’ll be honest, I’ve pretty much forgotten what that feels like. But that’s beside the point. I called the nurse on Friday to let her know that it hadn’t come yet, and she set me up for some more bloodwork tomorrow morning. She’s going to run another blood pregnancy test and check my progesterone and estradiol levels. These levels were tested previously in my first round of bloodwork, but I believe they should be able to tell us something different now that I am [supposedly] post-ovulation.

Although it’s kind of a pain (literally and figuratively) to go in for more bloodwork, I’m glad that was the next step that the nurse suggested. I’d like some answers, thankyouverymuch.

My own theory (based in part on everybody’s favorite doctor, Dr. Google) is that my progesterone didn’t increase as it should have at/after ovulation. That would explain the light, early period (if that’s even what the bleeding was, which is not yet confirmed), and my lack of temperature spike after ovulation. The good news is that if this is the case, it is an easy thing to fix with medicine, and it’s a fairly common problem with women who do not ovulate.

We’ll see what the real doctor says tomorrow…

In the meantime, has anyone out there taken progesterone or had a progesterone level issue? How did it present itself? How did you treat it?